Fake Sharks of the English Coast, a spotters guide.

1.The Berwick simple basic ordinary shark

31 The Morecambe Tiny smiling shark. The smallest of all English fake sharks, it’s endearing smile has saved it from the edge of extinction, as fisherman believe it brings good luck to throw it back if caught.

3.Sunderland Square jawed shark. Did you spill his pint?

4.The Whitby true Vampire shark This shark lives in the velvet reefs off the coast of Yorkshire Tourist hotspot, Whitby. They’ve become bolder in recent years and have been spotted as far away as the ghost village of Ravenscar.

5.The Southwold Toffee hammer shark the fabled toffee hammer shark is one of the only vegan sharks, and lives on the malt outpourings from the Adnams brewery

6.The Sizewell Atomic five eyed leaper- The Sizewell Five eyed leaper is not a product of the nearby nuclear industry, but is in fact closely related to the grasshopper, sharing its prodigious leaping ability and vestigial compound eyes.

2. The Creswell Pencil sharpener shark - this shark lives off the small seaside town of Cresswell, on a diet of fossilised trees and 2B pencils.

8.The Frinton Fake shark - the fake fake shark, the very worst kind of trickster

9 The Foulness Grinning idiot shark - the Polly-Anna of the shark world, thoroughly optimistic and completely without guile.

10 The Canvey Island Big fat shark - This shark thrives in the run off from the Wrightcorp TCP factory, giving it a distinct antiseptic odour.

11 The Margate Snaggle toothed shark - These sharks are frequently caught in the Walpole Bay tidal pool where they are something of a tourist attraction. The local synchronised swimming team, sparkle shark has been known to incorporate the sharks in thei

7.The Felixstowe Fart shark - often spotted in the background of the hit 1980’s soap opera “triangle”. Star of the show Kate O’Mara adopted one of the sharks and kept it in her Suffolk mansion.

12 The Folkestone Puffa shark - Small round and spiky much like sea bound chestnut, with gills, and eyes, and fins.

26 The Plymouth Foam shark. Prized in the Eighteenth century for it’s use in upholstery, this sharks numbers revived after the widespread adoption of polymeric foams in the 1960’s.

13 The Hastings Two headed shark - A rare creature, one head always tells the truth and one always tells lies, and there’s a hangman and some doors involved possibly.

16 Brighton Big gobbed shark. The BBG lives on a diet of seagulls and chips. It is actually a non avian therapod dinosaur.

27 Tintagel Banana shark, named for the pleasing arch of its back.

17 Worthing Sabre toothed shark. A fiercely territorial creature, the gammon of the shark world.

14 Eastbourne Cat shark - These sweet little
fish are thought to have evolved from kittens flushed down toilets by seniors unable to cope with litter trays.

18 Bognor ghost shark.Bognor ghost shark.This shark is rumoured to haunt the submerged remains of abandoned bathing machines to the west of the pier.

21 The Dorset diesel electric shark. Very efficient, in fact suspiciously so.

28 The Lynton/Lynmouth Quantum tunnelling Shark. In a pathetic misunderstanding of QFT this shark coexists in Lynton and Lynmouth simultaneously, until it’s spotted, when it’s waveform is collapsed and it resolves, or another universe is created, or somet

22 The Bournemouth canal shark. A misnomer, the Bournemouth canal is more of a muddy water filled bog through the Shore Lane area of Upton, in Poole. The shark is not actually a shark either it’s a supermarket trolley.

19 Portsmouth Petrol shark. In a freak of nature this shark swims in sinusoidal paths that directly correlate to the price of unleaded petrol in gallons at the Portsmouth Texaco. No-one can explain this.

23 The Swanage land shark - Vestigial legs allow this shark to patrol the shallow beaches around Swanage, where it is a nuisance to skim boarders, but as skim boarders are a nuisance to everyone else, this has been tolerated.

15 Newhaven Undershot shark. First recorded in the annals of Newhaven Fort in 1855, Undershot doesn’t refer to it’s jaw which is actually an overshot malocclusion of the mandible and maxilla, but rather to the inability of the troops to shoot and hit the

24 The Lyme Regis fossil shark. Mary Anning’s dog Tray uncovered the world renown Lyme shark bed in 1830, whilst trying to catch a rabbit. It is of course extinct, and no rabbits were harmed in the process.

20 The Shanklin Gap toothed shark - The butt of many an American sitcom, this shark’s poor dental hygiene is the result of a lack of dental floss, and opposable thumbs, and mirrors.

25 The Sidmouth B flat Jazz shark. Not actually a shark, but a trumpet, but it’s better for everyone that it is left in the sea.

29 The Shepperdine Tight mouthed shark. The remarkable triple jaw muscles provide more bite force than a great White, but only allow the mouth to open 1 cm, making it harmless to brave sea swimmers.

30 The Bootle Pelican shark. This shark has the ability to dislocate it’s lower jaw and scoop up a cubic metre of ocean, which it filters through it’s ears.